Over 10 years of coaching and I have to admit, I do have some go-to coaching sayings and recommendations/questions that I continue to find really valuable. I thought I would share some of them with you.

“You can’t wink at someone in the dark.”  This is one of my favorites as if you do not ask for something or provide information, how will people know? Want a raise? Need to provide wanted or necessary feedback? Unless you discuss it, how will someone else know?  (Try not to assume people know what you think and want.)

F.E.A.R. = False Evidence Appearing Real
This comes from my own long-term coach Allen. For me, this was a game changer in my life. Often, in our heads we hear the negative voices saying things like “If he does this then I will…”, “If I say this then xxx will happen”, “They will think I am a xxxxxx”, “He/she will not like me”, “I do not think I will ever find another job…relationship…friendship” and all the other negative, self limiting thoughts that hold us back. These are FALSE EVIDENCE, stories, we tell ourselves which leads me to…

“Are you sitting in the story or truth chair?”
When working with those I coach, I ask this question a lot as often, people (including myself) will live in a story and not a truth. I use the metaphors of 2 chairs.  (“How does it feel in your head and/or body to sit in the story chair? What does it feel like to sit in the truth chair?”)

For example, one year ago I was 6 levels below my CEO of the company I work at. Then I got moved. Now my leader reports to the CEO directly and I work with some of the very top leaders of the company. I was being placed in extremely high level conversations and meetings.

At the beginning I was living in story, ie. “I do not know if I have a right to say xxxx” or “They will think I am a fool as I am new at this level.” “I am not at their level.”…These were only some of the stories I was telling myself.  The TRUTH of the matter is I have worked very hard throughout my career. Most of my career has been in leadership roles either working for others or having my own companies. Throughout my career I have been successful and have impacted many peoples lives in  positive ways. They put me at this “table” for a reason and I do have a voice that matters.

When I live more in the truth I am amazed at how valued and respected my opinions are. And while all my ideas or thoughts may not have been the “right” ones, at least I did not sit in the “story chair” and I allowed myself to live in my truth and be vulnerable to play on a much bigger field and have much more impact.

Conscientious Consciousness
For me this goes right along with the truth or story chair as to recognize which chair one might be sitting in, one has to become conscientiously conscious. What does this mean?

I always like to share this story. I have a dog and do not have a yard. This dog has to go out 3-4 time a day. In the past, when I walked my dog I would have crazy stories going on in my head. Stories like, “Oh I am not handsome enough to ask them out on a date”, “If I say xxxx she is going to say yyyy”, “They are going to think xxx about me if I do….” Crazy stories!

So what did I need to do? Become conscientiously conscious to purposefully stop myself, to become conscientiously mindful to ask myself, sometimes even out loud, “What the fuck am I telling myself up there in my head? Is it a truth or a story?”  Most of the time it was a story. Future-tripping on things that have not even come up and probably would never come up.

The conscientious part of it means I have to force myself to stop. Ask the question. Drop the untrue story. Find my truth. Then move forward.

It’s like going to the gym. I have to force myself (conscientiousness) to go but when I do I am usually a lot happier.

“Are you playing big or playing small?”
When I ask this question for leaders I often wonder where they need to start thinking bigger. Sometimes, leaders, especially those who have moved into bigger roles, have to realize what they should and should not be doing at their level. What needs to be delegated more? How might they need to be more innovative? How might relationships need to change? What does it mean to be vulnerable? Take a risk? as well as “What is holding you back?”

Courageous Vulnerability – Most everyone in their life has been courageously vulnerable. Have you ever bought a house or car? Have you ever been on a date? Been married? Interviewed for a job? Worked at a job?  I would assume the answer is yes.

For me, there are only 3 responses to courageous vulnerabiity:  Yes…No….Negotiation

Let me give you some examples.  If I ask you to marry me (courageous vulnerability) one of three things will happen.  “Yes, Eli!” (hooray) “No Eli” (insert sadness here) or “I will Eli but you have to make sure you do not leave wet towels on the floor.” (negotiation).

The same holds true with most situations. What most people need to see is that with NO comes our next courageous vulnerable move. “OK…I applied for the promotion and they said no. What is next?  Continue to work for the company and seek feedback?  Leave the company now? Or stay and look at other options?”

From powerlessness we become power FULL to see our next courageously vulnerable move.

Burn the box!
One of my cients told me this one and I love it. “Instead of thinking outside the box, what would you need to do to burn the box?”

Some great questions:

• What is it that you do not want me know?
• What do you think I should know that I don’t?
• What is the rock blocking your way? (What would you need in order to shatter that rock to move forward?)
• What do you need to let go of (mentally) that no longer serves you? (ie. story)
• What could be posssible if you let go of fear? Resentment?
• What expectations to do you need to set? Re-set?
• Have you asked your leade/partner/direct report “How can we work better together?”

These are only a small part of my toolkit of some very important questions I ask folks that I work with. What others do you have?